[ Muffled into his shirt, voice wavering. She's angry at herself for making Theo feel that way. She's angry at herself for many reasons, the one at the very top berating her for making everything about Cellar Spider yet a-fucking-gain.
Leaning away — her hands stay on him, she can't let go — Cellar looks at his eyes before lowering her gaze again. This isn't shame, but it's a close relative. ]
[It's him. It's looking at someone day in and day out and wondering why they can't seem to remember him, and how helpless he feels in holding on to memories of them that only now exist in his head. Of seeing that person fall in line with friends, a circle of people he doesn't know and is slowly testing the waters with. A coven, something he's - always dreamed of - right there. But what can he offer it? He can barely manage his magic, he's a shallow brat with glamors taking his priority. And all he does is make Cellar apologize for his own inadequacy.]
It's - nevermind. Are you okay? Honest answers only.
[ She doesn't quite understand at the moment, and the instinct is to pry, like making him talk about it will make things better. It won't, though, will it? It's just overloading the conversation even more. ]
Yeah, I'm fine. [ Unthinkingly, she brings a hand to the shoulder the hellhound popped out of place, ripped and burned, vestiges and evidence of the attack totally gone. That's one aspect of it. ] I, ah. Fuck, [ A deep breath, ] I don't wanna cry again, Teddie. Can we sit down?
[He'll sit with her, provided they find something to perch on that isn't as bloody as the rest of the room. He tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear, and quietly just - observes her. Tries to struggle against his own stupid feelings, to instead think about hers.]
... So. Do you want to talk about how it went or... just sit? I can clean up later. We can sleep in the other room for a change.
[ He's so … everything she doesn't deserve to have. Cellar is looking at him like she knows it, too. ]
… I can tell you.
[ It'll take her a few moments, though. She gestures with her head at a couple of potted flowers — one spider lily, one orchid, both of which appeared when neither she nor Theo were around to see it happen. ]
Those're from August. He came over to apologize.
[ And then what. ]
I tried to warn him about Raíz, what — what happens when one of us dies, and he just didn't give a shit. It was so weird.
[ It was so annoying. ]
Then he just. Said I should hurt him back. I shouldn't have done it, should I?
[ Theo might be the closest she's had to a moral compass. Great is probably the sanest guy under Raíz's roof, but he's still her right-hand man for a reason. ]
[Theo casts a glance at the plants, listening - learning bits and pieces more about August, deciding bit by bit that he likes him even more. Thinking, as well, that he ought to ask about Raíz as well; but he's pulled out of that thought by her question, and looks back to her rather than across the room. If she's using him as a moral compass - well, there's some sort of joke there because his brows crease faintly.]
I don't know. Did you want to do it?
[And now those brows raise.]
I've done a lot of things that on paper... I probably shouldn't have. But I had reason, I had want... I had stupid ambition. Whatever you feel strongest toward - I think that's the right way in life. There comes a time when you have to stop thinking of others first, and instead favor yourself.
[You're the only person you can trust, after all. Isn't that - wasn't that right?]
Do you regret doing it? Not asking if you think you should, or if you think people'll tell you to. Do you.
[ She frowns, but it's — hopeful, almost, that Theo will understand what it's like to be someone like her. He's had countless lifetimes to mess up, to do things he regrets, and to do things he should regret but probably doesn't. That shouldn't be a relief, should it?
And yet.
Cellar bites her lower lip, avoids his gaze by looking ahead for anything to focus on. ]
I don't know.
[ Yes she does. She's not even good at hiding it. ]
… No. It felt good. [ A very, very reluctant pause. ] Like I was powerful again.
[Reclaiming power, reclaiming a sense of self - those are things he understands. He strokes his hand over her back, trying for soothing motions, thinking about what she's said. Wondering if there's anything at all he can do to help her feel powerful too - wondering soon after why it is he always defaults to trying to give other people a part of himself, a desperate need to be used too. So he bites his cheek.]
Maybe something he needed too, since he wanted it to happen too. I wouldn't waste time on regrets.
[ Cellar doesn't avoid Theo's eyes now, brows knitted, shoulders slouched, hands between her knees. The weight of his touch is the most comforting gesture she's felt in ages — yes, he holds her, caresses her hair, peppers her with kisses and feels her body with so much affection, but this is different. Like, for a moment, they aren't just Cellar and Theodore. Like this is where they belong. ]
Everyone from back home is always doing that. Hurting each other because they wanna feel powerful.
[He smiles in a way meant to say 'of course I'm not, I'm 100% unique' even though he knows that's far from true. He's got too much baggage, too many issues, he's so mundane in the midst of it all that the only thing that feels as if it makes him out of the ordinary is his inability to just die and be done with it. But he likes her affection, her attention, and he leans to kiss her temple again.]
You're not like anyone I've met, either. And I've met quite a lot of people.
[Loved and lost, the whole bit.]
We can clean this room up later. Do you want me to draw you a bath?
[ She leans into the kiss, stays that way for a moment, feeling small in his embrace. Liking it. It's a sad smile that's also so incredibly grateful, sealed with a kiss on the corner of his lips. ]
[He'll join. He'll stay close. He'll tend to her, as he feels he should. He lingers a moment longer, arms wrapped around her and his chin resting on her shoulder. But then he'll peel away, standing to offer her his hand and bring her along with him into their en suite to draw a warm bath and soak in it together, to pass the time and feel a little less alone.]
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no subject
[ Muffled into his shirt, voice wavering. She's angry at herself for making Theo feel that way. She's angry at herself for many reasons, the one at the very top berating her for making everything about Cellar Spider yet a-fucking-gain.
Leaning away — her hands stay on him, she can't let go — Cellar looks at his eyes before lowering her gaze again. This isn't shame, but it's a close relative. ]
I'm so sorry. I should've thought of you.
no subject
[It's him. It's looking at someone day in and day out and wondering why they can't seem to remember him, and how helpless he feels in holding on to memories of them that only now exist in his head. Of seeing that person fall in line with friends, a circle of people he doesn't know and is slowly testing the waters with. A coven, something he's - always dreamed of - right there. But what can he offer it? He can barely manage his magic, he's a shallow brat with glamors taking his priority. And all he does is make Cellar apologize for his own inadequacy.]
It's - nevermind. Are you okay? Honest answers only.
no subject
Yeah, I'm fine. [ Unthinkingly, she brings a hand to the shoulder the hellhound popped out of place, ripped and burned, vestiges and evidence of the attack totally gone. That's one aspect of it. ] I, ah. Fuck, [ A deep breath, ] I don't wanna cry again, Teddie. Can we sit down?
no subject
[He'll sit with her, provided they find something to perch on that isn't as bloody as the rest of the room. He tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear, and quietly just - observes her. Tries to struggle against his own stupid feelings, to instead think about hers.]
... So. Do you want to talk about how it went or... just sit? I can clean up later. We can sleep in the other room for a change.
no subject
… I can tell you.
[ It'll take her a few moments, though. She gestures with her head at a couple of potted flowers — one spider lily, one orchid, both of which appeared when neither she nor Theo were around to see it happen. ]
Those're from August. He came over to apologize.
[ And then what. ]
I tried to warn him about Raíz, what — what happens when one of us dies, and he just didn't give a shit. It was so weird.
[ It was so annoying. ]
Then he just. Said I should hurt him back. I shouldn't have done it, should I?
[ Theo might be the closest she's had to a moral compass. Great is probably the sanest guy under Raíz's roof, but he's still her right-hand man for a reason. ]
no subject
I don't know. Did you want to do it?
[And now those brows raise.]
I've done a lot of things that on paper... I probably shouldn't have. But I had reason, I had want... I had stupid ambition. Whatever you feel strongest toward - I think that's the right way in life. There comes a time when you have to stop thinking of others first, and instead favor yourself.
[You're the only person you can trust, after all. Isn't that - wasn't that right?]
Do you regret doing it? Not asking if you think you should, or if you think people'll tell you to. Do you.
no subject
And yet.
Cellar bites her lower lip, avoids his gaze by looking ahead for anything to focus on. ]
I don't know.
[ Yes she does. She's not even good at hiding it. ]
… No. It felt good. [ A very, very reluctant pause. ] Like I was powerful again.
no subject
[Reclaiming power, reclaiming a sense of self - those are things he understands. He strokes his hand over her back, trying for soothing motions, thinking about what she's said. Wondering if there's anything at all he can do to help her feel powerful too - wondering soon after why it is he always defaults to trying to give other people a part of himself, a desperate need to be used too. So he bites his cheek.]
Maybe something he needed too, since he wanted it to happen too. I wouldn't waste time on regrets.
no subject
Everyone from back home is always doing that. Hurting each other because they wanna feel powerful.
[ Lying to him again. The they should be a we. ]
You're not like anyone I've met.
no subject
You're not like anyone I've met, either. And I've met quite a lot of people.
[Loved and lost, the whole bit.]
We can clean this room up later. Do you want me to draw you a bath?
no subject
Only if you wanna join me.
🎀
[He'll join. He'll stay close. He'll tend to her, as he feels he should. He lingers a moment longer, arms wrapped around her and his chin resting on her shoulder. But then he'll peel away, standing to offer her his hand and bring her along with him into their en suite to draw a warm bath and soak in it together, to pass the time and feel a little less alone.]