[He walks her back to the room in silence, fingers entwined with hers - gaze always sweeping sideways toward her, up until they're in the relative privacy of the room. Then he locks the door, pacing a few steps while the swell of a demanding repeat of his question grows in his chest. Finally, he has to ask again:]
[ She lifts her head for a moment, looks at him to read the truth or a lie in his expression. Theo is serious, she thinks, and her pulse starts to race a little for it. With a hand held out, Cellar bids him to sit by her side. ]
I don't want you to kill anyone.
[ But she could, one day, and then do the same for him. Whether he followed through with it or not is a matter Cellar can daydream about in the dark, cruel corner of the heart Raíz sank her claws into. ]
I did something really fucking stupid. It's my fault. [ It'll take her a while to get it all out. Decide what she wants to say, how she can even put it without making it sound like last night was a nightmare with very real repercussions. ] I went outside during the earthquake. I wanted to find out what was happening, and I. [ She clears her throat, frowns, avoiding his gaze. There's anger under the hardened surface. She lets go of Theo to lift her hand and let it drop on her lap, frustrated. ] Well, I fucking found it. August and some hellhound I thought I could fight, for some fucking reason. I don't even know what the fuck was happening, there was... fire, blood, he was injured — I thought he needed help.
[ One shoulder shrugs. ]
He told me to leave. I didn't listen, and I got attacked. [ She remembers him screaming as it happened. It didn't matter. ] The end.
[Theo doesn't sit immediately, but he bends to the wish silently soon after. He's still thrumming with energy he doesn't know what to do with - stronger emotions like this were always things he wanted to do without, because they always lead down similar paths: hurt, pain, loss. He told himself to stop letting people in because he's bound to lose them, have them taken away, and here he is realizing just how quickly he's come to care for her on account of just how easily her bruises stripped him of a softer layer, revealing the more bitter cored real him underneath. Ready to avenge, ready to -
She tells him what happened and his jaw doesn't unclench, but at least he stops assuming the worst of the worst. She was still put through the wringer, though, and his hand rests over hers on her lap - not willing to let her pull away.]
He was in the middle of some shit and couldn't control it?
[ Nodding quietly, Cellar rubs her thumb on the back of Theo's hand, something gentle and self-soothing. She can't look at him quite yet. ]
I think so.
[ Whatever that thing was, it can't have done anything good; not for the house, its inhabitants, its prisoners, and probably not even for August himself. No one's come out claiming otherwise, that's for sure. On that discouraging though, Cellar lets her head rest on Theo's shoulder, the threat of any tears swelling subsided. Somewhat. ]
[He still kind of wants to throttle August, which is a weird feeling to have - he normally just wants to suck that guy's dick. But the rage is just latent adrenaline, slowly filtering itself out of his veins and letting him calm as he listens to her. As he stays by her side, kissing the top of her head and feeling helpless for a moment. So he leaps at the opportunity to answer her question, to be useful for something:]
[ Lips pursed, squeezing Theo's hand a little bit, Cellar hesitates. It's a bleak question; it would be even if she hadn't succumbed to something that could have easily been fatal. She wants to think it didn't happen because people were there, but she also hates the thought that she needed that to be the case. Feeling powerless drives her mad. ]
Do you remember any of the times you died—?
[ Voice subdued and a little weak, Cellar wouldn't blame him if he got upset at her for asking. It's a horribly invasive question. ]
[It's a question, surprisingly, that nobody's really asked him before - at least not in a long time. You think it'd go hand in hand with him so willingly putting it out there that he keeps living new lives that someone would eventually ask how the old ones ended. Death by misadventure, accident, sickness - murder... the list is plentiful and varied but something always stayed the same.
He's quiet for a stiff moment, before his voice is evenly soft:]
I do. Several, if not all.
[The ones before his memory kicked in were more of a blur now, with the exception of the first. He'll always remember the first.]
[ Bracing herself for some variation of no, Cellar finally releases a breath trapped in her chest. Part of her regrets asking something with no easy answer, but she's also relieved. She can't stand the thought of doing something to upset him, especially now. ]
Mm. [ She shakes her head softly, ] No. But I must've thought I was going to.
[ She had to, right? ]
I've been there before, though. Sometimes I feel like I'd do anything to stop it from happening. Sometimes it's like… it's just easier to accept what's coming.
[ But she always pulled through in the end, provided she had enough time to cocoon herself in shadows and keep the stronger threat from finishing the job. Another agent would come in to help eventually, if not Raíz herself. ]
I don't know what's gonna happen if I die, Teddie.
[ Because Raíz might have something to say about that, and people might not be around to hear it for very long. ]
I don't know if I've ever actually died, honestly. I've felt it - I know those lives ended, but I keep floating through reincarnations so I don't know if I just move on at that precise moment or not. But I've been there. Fighting it, accepting it. Reluctantly bargaining with it.
[Death and him are not strangers anymore. And now he doesn't even fear it, not when he knows it'll never truly take him.]
I hear people don't die for real here, anyway. We'll be safe.
[ Is it exhausting, to see the end turn right back into light, to wake up and realize you're gonna have to keep going after all? She wonders how many of Raíz's agents have felt that, how many have wished there was a way to make their next death the last. Buyer's remorse isn't unheard of among them. ]
[Do you get tired, she asks, and it's one of those times where someone has a stick and they're able to poke all the way inside him. Push at the jelly-like core of his heart, covered in scars and layers of metal and glass like a white hot knife. He told himself a few lifetimes ago to try and not think about it anymore, because the inescapable reality of everything never ending is often too much to bear. He does get tired. Very, very tired.
He doesn't answer immediately. It's also one of those times where he's sharing something with someone he hasn't shared before. Trying to explain his predicament to people who aren't affected never bodes well - he is crazy, he is tripping, he's a goddamn witch so ready the stake. He's been murdered, he's died of sickness and misadventure, of overdoses and...]
Once or twice.
[Sometimes you just need out. For any reason.]
Sometimes my rolls of the dice weren't the best, when it came to the lives I've lived.
[ Things better left unsaid: at least you got to start over. One of those first thoughts that are the worst thoughts, reprimanded and shoved down so she can pretend they never came up at all.
Lips sucked in, Cellar wets them nervously and quietly. Is it bad that she doesn't feel sorry for him? Being with someone who already knows what it's like, who's known it for so long it made him desperate, helps her feel a little grounded, like he'll be able to be her guide when the time comes. Two weeks was all it took to tempt fate; she should shudder to think what might be ahead. She doesn't.
(Then along comes the little spider in her mind, seeking comfort from not being alone. Such a selfish bitch.) ]
[Eventful in a way that makes Theo feel like maybe it's different, somehow. Sucked from one world to the next, then the next after that? It makes it feel like there's something special he needs to take note of, that some sort of actual change might come as the sum of all these little moments. But a part of him is already bracing for disappointment by not letting him get his hopes up. He'll probably die in a freak accident and either end up revived here, home in NYC or somewhere else entirely.]
I don't usually get a chance to share it with someone like this. It's always either a burden on someone else - making them listen to something hopeless that they can't affect or understand or... nothing. But you get it, right? The weight of it all. You feel it too.
Yeah. [ Holding his thumb between two fingers, rubbing the fingerprint, ] One hundred years, Teddie. I might just be meeting your next incarnation by the time I'm done. You better remember me.
[ A pause, voice soft. ]
I'm glad we get to share with each other. I don't know what I'd do without you.
[ It's too soon to say that. It's too fucking soon, and the situation is too fucking intense, but she already knows that whatever's in her heart now is still going to be there tomorrow. She's so screwed. ]
Promise to find me, and I'll remember you. I don't forget the important shit. But you're gonna have to find me, I'll look different.
[And honestly, he'd like that - maybe they are from a world where they can collide again, outside of these walls. It'd be nice to have someone remember him for a change, rather than see blank faces like he did coming here on more than one occasion. He leans to press a kiss to her temple.]
D'you wanna have one now? I can draw you a bath, instead.
[ Her smile looks miserable, face marked with scratches and a bruise, but it's the opposite. It's warm, it's full, it's real. Finding Theo in another life, waiting until he's old enough to remember her — it's exciting to think about. A relief, too, to believe that she could have a friend outside of Raíz's messed up menagerie who'd know and remember her by the end of the contract. With whom she could try to live out her retirement from saving, balancing, and sometimes ruining the world.
She turns just to look at him. Then she leans in to press a kiss on his lips, voice lowered to a murmur. ]
I'd like that. [ One more kiss for good measure. ] Thank you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Who- what happened?
[Tense, he's unnaturally sharp; jaw set, teeth grit.]
I'll kill them. Whoever they are.
no subject
I don't want you to kill anyone.
[ But she could, one day, and then do the same for him. Whether he followed through with it or not is a matter Cellar can daydream about in the dark, cruel corner of the heart Raíz sank her claws into. ]
I did something really fucking stupid. It's my fault. [ It'll take her a while to get it all out. Decide what she wants to say, how she can even put it without making it sound like last night was a nightmare with very real repercussions. ] I went outside during the earthquake. I wanted to find out what was happening, and I. [ She clears her throat, frowns, avoiding his gaze. There's anger under the hardened surface. She lets go of Theo to lift her hand and let it drop on her lap, frustrated. ] Well, I fucking found it. August and some hellhound I thought I could fight, for some fucking reason. I don't even know what the fuck was happening, there was... fire, blood, he was injured — I thought he needed help.
[ One shoulder shrugs. ]
He told me to leave. I didn't listen, and I got attacked. [ She remembers him screaming as it happened. It didn't matter. ] The end.
no subject
She tells him what happened and his jaw doesn't unclench, but at least he stops assuming the worst of the worst. She was still put through the wringer, though, and his hand rests over hers on her lap - not willing to let her pull away.]
He was in the middle of some shit and couldn't control it?
[Couldn't defend you?]
no subject
I think so.
[ Whatever that thing was, it can't have done anything good; not for the house, its inhabitants, its prisoners, and probably not even for August himself. No one's come out claiming otherwise, that's for sure. On that discouraging though, Cellar lets her head rest on Theo's shoulder, the threat of any tears swelling subsided. Somewhat. ]
Can I ask you something?
no subject
What?
no subject
Do you remember any of the times you died—?
[ Voice subdued and a little weak, Cellar wouldn't blame him if he got upset at her for asking. It's a horribly invasive question. ]
no subject
He's quiet for a stiff moment, before his voice is evenly soft:]
I do. Several, if not all.
[The ones before his memory kicked in were more of a blur now, with the exception of the first. He'll always remember the first.]
... Do you think you died?
no subject
Mm. [ She shakes her head softly, ] No. But I must've thought I was going to.
[ She had to, right? ]
I've been there before, though. Sometimes I feel like I'd do anything to stop it from happening. Sometimes it's like… it's just easier to accept what's coming.
[ But she always pulled through in the end, provided she had enough time to cocoon herself in shadows and keep the stronger threat from finishing the job. Another agent would come in to help eventually, if not Raíz herself. ]
I don't know what's gonna happen if I die, Teddie.
[ Because Raíz might have something to say about that, and people might not be around to hear it for very long. ]
no subject
[Death and him are not strangers anymore. And now he doesn't even fear it, not when he knows it'll never truly take him.]
I hear people don't die for real here, anyway. We'll be safe.
cw: suicide mentions
Do you get tired?
[ Is it exhausting, to see the end turn right back into light, to wake up and realize you're gonna have to keep going after all? She wonders how many of Raíz's agents have felt that, how many have wished there was a way to make their next death the last. Buyer's remorse isn't unheard of among them. ]
… Have you ever done it on purpose?
cw: suicide mentions
He doesn't answer immediately. It's also one of those times where he's sharing something with someone he hasn't shared before. Trying to explain his predicament to people who aren't affected never bodes well - he is crazy, he is tripping, he's a goddamn witch so ready the stake. He's been murdered, he's died of sickness and misadventure, of overdoses and...]
Once or twice.
[Sometimes you just need out. For any reason.]
Sometimes my rolls of the dice weren't the best, when it came to the lives I've lived.
no subject
Lips sucked in, Cellar wets them nervously and quietly. Is it bad that she doesn't feel sorry for him? Being with someone who already knows what it's like, who's known it for so long it made him desperate, helps her feel a little grounded, like he'll be able to be her guide when the time comes. Two weeks was all it took to tempt fate; she should shudder to think what might be ahead. She doesn't.
(Then along comes the little spider in her mind, seeking comfort from not being alone. Such a selfish bitch.) ]
I hope you like this one.
no subject
[Eventful in a way that makes Theo feel like maybe it's different, somehow. Sucked from one world to the next, then the next after that? It makes it feel like there's something special he needs to take note of, that some sort of actual change might come as the sum of all these little moments. But a part of him is already bracing for disappointment by not letting him get his hopes up. He'll probably die in a freak accident and either end up revived here, home in NYC or somewhere else entirely.]
I don't usually get a chance to share it with someone like this. It's always either a burden on someone else - making them listen to something hopeless that they can't affect or understand or... nothing. But you get it, right? The weight of it all. You feel it too.
no subject
[ A pause, voice soft. ]
I'm glad we get to share with each other. I don't know what I'd do without you.
[ It's too soon to say that. It's too fucking soon, and the situation is too fucking intense, but she already knows that whatever's in her heart now is still going to be there tomorrow. She's so screwed. ]
You're gonna have to help me shower, by the way.
no subject
[And honestly, he'd like that - maybe they are from a world where they can collide again, outside of these walls. It'd be nice to have someone remember him for a change, rather than see blank faces like he did coming here on more than one occasion. He leans to press a kiss to her temple.]
D'you wanna have one now? I can draw you a bath, instead.
🎀
[ Her smile looks miserable, face marked with scratches and a bruise, but it's the opposite. It's warm, it's full, it's real. Finding Theo in another life, waiting until he's old enough to remember her — it's exciting to think about. A relief, too, to believe that she could have a friend outside of Raíz's messed up menagerie who'd know and remember her by the end of the contract. With whom she could try to live out her retirement from saving, balancing, and sometimes ruining the world.
She turns just to look at him. Then she leans in to press a kiss on his lips, voice lowered to a murmur. ]
I'd like that. [ One more kiss for good measure. ] Thank you.