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[ Bracing herself for some variation of no, Cellar finally releases a breath trapped in her chest. Part of her regrets asking something with no easy answer, but she's also relieved. She can't stand the thought of doing something to upset him, especially now. ]
Mm. [ She shakes her head softly, ] No. But I must've thought I was going to.
[ She had to, right? ]
I've been there before, though. Sometimes I feel like I'd do anything to stop it from happening. Sometimes it's like… it's just easier to accept what's coming.
[ But she always pulled through in the end, provided she had enough time to cocoon herself in shadows and keep the stronger threat from finishing the job. Another agent would come in to help eventually, if not Raíz herself. ]
I don't know what's gonna happen if I die, Teddie.
[ Because Raíz might have something to say about that, and people might not be around to hear it for very long. ]
Mm. [ She shakes her head softly, ] No. But I must've thought I was going to.
[ She had to, right? ]
I've been there before, though. Sometimes I feel like I'd do anything to stop it from happening. Sometimes it's like… it's just easier to accept what's coming.
[ But she always pulled through in the end, provided she had enough time to cocoon herself in shadows and keep the stronger threat from finishing the job. Another agent would come in to help eventually, if not Raíz herself. ]
I don't know what's gonna happen if I die, Teddie.
[ Because Raíz might have something to say about that, and people might not be around to hear it for very long. ]
I don't know if I've ever actually died, honestly. I've felt it - I know those lives ended, but I keep floating through reincarnations so I don't know if I just move on at that precise moment or not. But I've been there. Fighting it, accepting it. Reluctantly bargaining with it.
[Death and him are not strangers anymore. And now he doesn't even fear it, not when he knows it'll never truly take him.]
I hear people don't die for real here, anyway. We'll be safe.
[Death and him are not strangers anymore. And now he doesn't even fear it, not when he knows it'll never truly take him.]
I hear people don't die for real here, anyway. We'll be safe.
[ A nod, a pause. ]
Do you get tired?
[ Is it exhausting, to see the end turn right back into light, to wake up and realize you're gonna have to keep going after all? She wonders how many of Raíz's agents have felt that, how many have wished there was a way to make their next death the last. Buyer's remorse isn't unheard of among them. ]
… Have you ever done it on purpose?
Do you get tired?
[ Is it exhausting, to see the end turn right back into light, to wake up and realize you're gonna have to keep going after all? She wonders how many of Raíz's agents have felt that, how many have wished there was a way to make their next death the last. Buyer's remorse isn't unheard of among them. ]
… Have you ever done it on purpose?
[Do you get tired, she asks, and it's one of those times where someone has a stick and they're able to poke all the way inside him. Push at the jelly-like core of his heart, covered in scars and layers of metal and glass like a white hot knife. He told himself a few lifetimes ago to try and not think about it anymore, because the inescapable reality of everything never ending is often too much to bear. He does get tired. Very, very tired.
He doesn't answer immediately. It's also one of those times where he's sharing something with someone he hasn't shared before. Trying to explain his predicament to people who aren't affected never bodes well - he is crazy, he is tripping, he's a goddamn witch so ready the stake. He's been murdered, he's died of sickness and misadventure, of overdoses and...]
Once or twice.
[Sometimes you just need out. For any reason.]
Sometimes my rolls of the dice weren't the best, when it came to the lives I've lived.
He doesn't answer immediately. It's also one of those times where he's sharing something with someone he hasn't shared before. Trying to explain his predicament to people who aren't affected never bodes well - he is crazy, he is tripping, he's a goddamn witch so ready the stake. He's been murdered, he's died of sickness and misadventure, of overdoses and...]
Once or twice.
[Sometimes you just need out. For any reason.]
Sometimes my rolls of the dice weren't the best, when it came to the lives I've lived.
[ Things better left unsaid: at least you got to start over. One of those first thoughts that are the worst thoughts, reprimanded and shoved down so she can pretend they never came up at all.
Lips sucked in, Cellar wets them nervously and quietly. Is it bad that she doesn't feel sorry for him? Being with someone who already knows what it's like, who's known it for so long it made him desperate, helps her feel a little grounded, like he'll be able to be her guide when the time comes. Two weeks was all it took to tempt fate; she should shudder to think what might be ahead. She doesn't.
(Then along comes the little spider in her mind, seeking comfort from not being alone. Such a selfish bitch.) ]
I hope you like this one.
Lips sucked in, Cellar wets them nervously and quietly. Is it bad that she doesn't feel sorry for him? Being with someone who already knows what it's like, who's known it for so long it made him desperate, helps her feel a little grounded, like he'll be able to be her guide when the time comes. Two weeks was all it took to tempt fate; she should shudder to think what might be ahead. She doesn't.
(Then along comes the little spider in her mind, seeking comfort from not being alone. Such a selfish bitch.) ]
I hope you like this one.
It's one of my better ones.
[Eventful in a way that makes Theo feel like maybe it's different, somehow. Sucked from one world to the next, then the next after that? It makes it feel like there's something special he needs to take note of, that some sort of actual change might come as the sum of all these little moments. But a part of him is already bracing for disappointment by not letting him get his hopes up. He'll probably die in a freak accident and either end up revived here, home in NYC or somewhere else entirely.]
I don't usually get a chance to share it with someone like this. It's always either a burden on someone else - making them listen to something hopeless that they can't affect or understand or... nothing. But you get it, right? The weight of it all. You feel it too.
[Eventful in a way that makes Theo feel like maybe it's different, somehow. Sucked from one world to the next, then the next after that? It makes it feel like there's something special he needs to take note of, that some sort of actual change might come as the sum of all these little moments. But a part of him is already bracing for disappointment by not letting him get his hopes up. He'll probably die in a freak accident and either end up revived here, home in NYC or somewhere else entirely.]
I don't usually get a chance to share it with someone like this. It's always either a burden on someone else - making them listen to something hopeless that they can't affect or understand or... nothing. But you get it, right? The weight of it all. You feel it too.
Yeah. [ Holding his thumb between two fingers, rubbing the fingerprint, ] One hundred years, Teddie. I might just be meeting your next incarnation by the time I'm done. You better remember me.
[ A pause, voice soft. ]
I'm glad we get to share with each other. I don't know what I'd do without you.
[ It's too soon to say that. It's too fucking soon, and the situation is too fucking intense, but she already knows that whatever's in her heart now is still going to be there tomorrow. She's so screwed. ]
You're gonna have to help me shower, by the way.
[ A pause, voice soft. ]
I'm glad we get to share with each other. I don't know what I'd do without you.
[ It's too soon to say that. It's too fucking soon, and the situation is too fucking intense, but she already knows that whatever's in her heart now is still going to be there tomorrow. She's so screwed. ]
You're gonna have to help me shower, by the way.
Promise to find me, and I'll remember you. I don't forget the important shit. But you're gonna have to find me, I'll look different.
[And honestly, he'd like that - maybe they are from a world where they can collide again, outside of these walls. It'd be nice to have someone remember him for a change, rather than see blank faces like he did coming here on more than one occasion. He leans to press a kiss to her temple.]
D'you wanna have one now? I can draw you a bath, instead.
[And honestly, he'd like that - maybe they are from a world where they can collide again, outside of these walls. It'd be nice to have someone remember him for a change, rather than see blank faces like he did coming here on more than one occasion. He leans to press a kiss to her temple.]
D'you wanna have one now? I can draw you a bath, instead.
We'll find each other. I promise.
[ Her smile looks miserable, face marked with scratches and a bruise, but it's the opposite. It's warm, it's full, it's real. Finding Theo in another life, waiting until he's old enough to remember her — it's exciting to think about. A relief, too, to believe that she could have a friend outside of Raíz's messed up menagerie who'd know and remember her by the end of the contract. With whom she could try to live out her retirement from saving, balancing, and sometimes ruining the world.
She turns just to look at him. Then she leans in to press a kiss on his lips, voice lowered to a murmur. ]
I'd like that. [ One more kiss for good measure. ] Thank you.
[ Her smile looks miserable, face marked with scratches and a bruise, but it's the opposite. It's warm, it's full, it's real. Finding Theo in another life, waiting until he's old enough to remember her — it's exciting to think about. A relief, too, to believe that she could have a friend outside of Raíz's messed up menagerie who'd know and remember her by the end of the contract. With whom she could try to live out her retirement from saving, balancing, and sometimes ruining the world.
She turns just to look at him. Then she leans in to press a kiss on his lips, voice lowered to a murmur. ]
I'd like that. [ One more kiss for good measure. ] Thank you.
ok but this is me
i cannot live a fulfilling romance without sex
i cannot live a fulfilling romance without sex
and ur really sacrificing a lot havng to deal with my libido huh
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